THOUGHTS AND THINGS

for the longest time, i've had this problem where i can't keep hold of my filter on what i say/do. sometimes i can control it, but other times it slips and i end up messing something up. maybe my sarcasm crosses a line, or i joke around too much to the point where someone is actually hurt... (and this, to me, is really funny. i'm a cancer. i'm EMOTIONAL. and SENSITIVE. and DEFENSIVE. i'm basically a big baby but i don't like to admit it because i swear i'm a bad-ass.)

and you know, for the record, I AM NEVER INTENDING TO BE AN ACTUAL JERK!!!! there is literally 0% malicious intent within me, i'm all jokes and what not. but, i have to remind myself that not everyone is going to know what i'm thinking or get the meaning behind what i'm saying. i could joke with my friend, and mean it in a totally harmless way, but how are they supposed to know that?? like, of course they're gonna take it a certain way if i don't actually tell them "just kidding!!"

i think i built up such an attitude of not giving a shit about everyone (and their opinions) that i kind of almost convinced myself that everyone else has done it too. not to say the people i know are weaklings or something, but, you know what i mean..it's just that, some people do take things to heart. they do get their feelings hurt easily (and thats ok!! feelings are ok!!!!!) AND I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS!!!

but then, the other part of me is saying, "HEY. if people can't handle the way you are then they can fuck right off!!!" *Bad Reputation by Joan Jett blasts in the background* and yeah, sometimes, people aren't worth your time if they don't like the way you carry yourself. like hey, i'm happy with ME and I'm very important to ME so if you don't like ME then go find someone that has your ideal expectations and leave ME alone!!!!!!

i guess what i'm trying to say is that this self-reflection has me at a crossroads. i like that i'm blunt and sarcastic, but, since im a cancer, i hate the feeling of making the ones i love/care about upset with me. like, fuck everyone else, but friends? family? NOPE. the anxiety and guilt will eat me alive. you cannot momentarily dislike me. no. stop now. (no, being a cancer isn't my excuse for anything, but horoscope crap is frighteningly accurate)

here's what i've concluded: be nice. take the time to consider the feelings of the people that are important to you. BUT, stand your ground. be a bad-ass. stay true to yourself. the key is to find balance!!!! i can be an overemotional wreck that almost cries in overwhelming situations AND still be as bad-ass and cool as i think i am. bitch.

:-)

(Rupaul's Drag Race has consumed my life. my bad)