"dear diary"

 "One day, I'm going to look in the mirror and actually be satisfied w/ myself."

"I hate literally everything about my appearance."

"Why do I have to be so insecure?"

"Why why why do I have to be so plain and ugly?"

can you believe that i used to think like this???!!! 15 year old mallory is shockingly different from almost 20 year old mallory and it gives me such a strange wave of feelings and emotions to look at my old journal entries and see shit like this!!!

in the last year or so, my self-esteem has really shot up and i wish i could back in time to tell 15 year old me to drop the pencil and shut up!!! (ok maybe a lil less aggressive)

but on a serious note, it's pretty hurtful to see that my mindset was so negative back then. i still remember those emotions/feelings i would feel whenever i had bad days, and really bad days. i remember being so dissatisfied when i looked in the mirror- even after all of the makeup i would put on and my curling my hair, i still hated what i saw. some days i would just deal with it and leave the house. other days i would scrub it all off and cry. i would cry and feel sorry for myself. it got so bad where i couldn't go out with my friends to the movies because i didn't like how my clothes fit that day. or i would decline going swimming at someone's house because i couldn't bear to be seen in a bikini. i remember going through a phase where i would not let my picture be taken- because while everyone would look so pretty and cute in the photo, i would be so quick to pick apart my own flaws. i wouldn't look at the photo as a happy memory, and focus on the smiles on everyone's faces. it would just feel like a reminder of why i hated being photographed in the first place.

most days i felt too fat, too plain, too ugly and not worthy. not worthy of self love and value. on the outside, i would tell my friends to stand tall and confident, while on the inside i was nothing but a scared little girl that couldn't even listen to my own words!!!! for the longest time i was comparing myself to every other girl in the universe- i would ask myself, "why can't i be skinny like her?" "why can't my skin look like that?" "why can't i pretty?" "why don't boys like me?" "why do i have to look like this?"

i think the saddest part of it all is that i wasn't alone!! this problem with body-image is a universal problem for young boys and girl everywhere. i'm sure while i was feeling so down, my friends were feeling the same way. where does this start? who is responsible for it? honestly, there are so many factors that play into this concept of ideal beauty standards that haunts everyone. the media, growing up in different cultures and whether or not we are raised by people who support us and love us. i'm happy that in this day and age, we are slowly progressing day by day and accepting everyone. no, it's not perfect yet, but we are getting there!!! it just takes a lot of work. it takes a lot of understanding and acceptance. it's also important to understand where the world went wrong on this subject.

i've taken a few ethnic studies courses at my college, and we've discussed many topics- topics including growing up and how familial cultures differ from say, my own lifestyle. in some cultures, whiter skin is valued much more than someone who is dark/tan. in my Latino studies class, my professor mentioned a student that he had a couple of years ago. her family is Mexican, but her and her sister looked completely different from each other. she had a dark complexion, while her sister was able to pass as white. she explained that her parents expected her sister to find a good husband, someone good-looking and wealthy, and have kids. as for the other sister, she was told by her parents to study hard in school and find a good, stable job. her parents felt like she wouldnt be able to find a husband, so she needed to focus on her school and career instead.

not only is that painfully true for a lot of families, but it's also something that's interpreted similarly in a lot of other cultures. it's also so shitty!!! the people you think you can depend on and love you regardless can sometimes surprise you. parents will degrade you and not support you, and it ends up having such a huge impact on your self esteem. obviously, there's a lot more to this anecdote, but it sheds light upon an important point. self-confidence roots from loving yourself. you can't find this in depending on other people for it. by that, i mean that you shouldn't try to learn to accept yourself in other people, it starts within you!! if someone is tearing you down and making you feel like shit, the self deprecation will only last longer. cut out the shitty people and start on a path of valuing yourself and being comfortable with who you are. i know this sounds like some cliche crap, but it's the only way i think i can word it. surround yourself with beautiful people. people with beautiful hearts and that don't find their boost of self esteem in tearing others down. people that support you and love you for who you are, and are there for you when you're feeling weak.

i am not perfect, and there are still things i can work on as a person. i could probably exercise and not eat out so often (that's more in a sense of i need to be HEALTHY, and also save my damn money) but i have come a far way since i was 15! i like that i'm pale and freckled. i like the body i was i born with. i like that i am me, and that im special in my own way. i like the friends who love me and support me. i like that i am no longer crying in the mornings when i get ready and that i don't skip out on having fun with my friends. i am unique, i am beautiful, and i am worthy!!!!!!!

~and you are too~

im alive

definitely my shortest yeah boy ever goes to me....for literally not posting on here at all. what the hell has happened to me in the span of a few months??? i dont necessarily have a following on here, but like, this is supposed to be outlet for letting things out, ranting, blah blah. you'd think being a single, 19 year old girl in college would have a lot to bitch about...

I bought a beret 

aaaaannnnnyyyywwwwayyyysss, a lot has actually happened since the last time i posted. donald trump was elected president (thats another rant for a different day, just wait on it), i finished my 3rd semester of college, annnddd, i still work at a movie theater. yeah nothing that exciting has happened to me. actually, 2016 has kind of sucked in all honesty. i mean, there were some cool parts that i'd like to highlight when i get the chance, but other than that i feel like i've been so alone this year???

i live with my parents, and my friends all live on their own just 10 minutes away. which sounds convenient, but not when im literally scheduled the entire weekend, every weekend, and unable to see them at all. i went from seeing them every day to, like, never. i mean, they work, i work, and our class schedules are different of course, but it's just such a downer when im stuck at a movie theater for 8 hours while my friends are out having a good time. but this job also pays well and gives me hours so maybe i should shut up???? blhefbjkg. i've just spent a lot of time on my own this year. which is nice because i enjoy the solitude but i do also like to go out and explore and have fun with people i like.

school was also such a drag bc i decided that 8ams were a good idea, which, honestly werent awful...i was typically done with class by like 11 and i had the entire day to do more homework,,,, or just be a lazy bum. but also, "sophomores" really just get the short end of the stick. picking classes for spring was a BITCH bc the registration date was so late, and also sooooooo close to finals which means more stress for us??? i had to remake my schedule a good 4 times before i registered which is so annoying dude!!!!

2016, in general, was just a real pile of shit for the whole world. i hope that 2017 can show us that the grass is greener on the other side. i dont know why i thought nevershoutnever lyrics were appropriate just now but the damage is already done.

maybe my ass will try to post more as well and get my creative juices flowin!!!! because i also havent even crafted in like months????? ive been such a millennial, with my phone literally glued to my hand. i also have let my anxiety get the best of me at certain times and it made me hate myself for little bit bc anxiety sucks and is annoying and sometimes i dont know how to deal with it. but i also act like my own good friends dont deal with it as well, and wouldnt understand??? honestly im such a buffoon sometimes,,,,,

this post didnt really have any sense of direction, i just wanted to post because it's winter break and i've already watched too many episodes of glee to function anymore. im signing off. it's 9:02pm and im TIRED.

sour candy- bleached

i am back!!!! by popular demand (probably my dad). ive been so soooo bad about posting, but i feel like i say that after every hiatus i have??? i need to get my creatives juices flowing and stop being such a lazy bum. all i do is go to class, do homework, and sleep too much. thats college for ya!!! haha! *anxious laughter*

i finally got my film developed for my disposable i used from like june until now??? i hadnt used one since i moved from japan to california, which was in 2005, so i was only like 8 years old. wow. anyways, the majority of them came out better than i had expected!!! there are a few fails, but i think thats bound to happen anyways. looking back on these made me feel so warm and fuzzy and happy bc the majority of them are with my closest friends! here's what i was able to capture these past couple of months:

A 19 YEAR OLD PLUM AT LAST

(this post is quite overdue, but better late than never!!!)

so this past month i turned 19 years. man, such an ugly age, because i'm still a teen, but not yet an adult. i mean technically i became one when i turnd 18, but i feel like it isn't real until i hit my 20s. annnnyyyywwaaaays, i feel intrigued to write something that is inspired by a video i saw awhile ago. Alyx, or AyyDubbs on youtube made a video about "19 things i learned at 19" or something along the lines of that. 

i thought i would take the time to reflect on my years of living, since i'm obviously so much more wise and mature now. (hueh) obviously, it should be 18 things i learned at 18, since i've only been 19 for 10 days, but i wanted to add an extra "life lesson" because i felt like it, and because i didn't want an even number.

obviously, i have many more years to come, many more mistakes to make, and even more opportunities to learn from them. in fact, 5 years from now, what i learn in the future could be totally opposite of what i think i know now (does that even make sense??) anyways, here's what i've compiled for this post today. maybe you agree with them? or maybe you think differently? if you want, go ahead and tell me some important things that you have learned, i would love to know!!!! share your thoughts!!! 

*~ now commencing, 18 THINGS I LEARNED AT 18+ 1 EXTRA ~*

*~~~ she is a dancing queen, young and free, only NINETEEEEENNNN ~~~*

a tired and uninspired chick + road trip

weeeellllllll, i thought that since i had an entire summer break, i would at least try to blog more. obviously that didn't go over as planned :// all that i've done for these past couple of months is work, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep and work. my goal was to try and aim for more creative ways of spending my free time, like blogging for example, or maybe reading a book (which i haven't done for fun in so long), go outside and explore my city on my own, etc, etc. anything but sit on my butt and binge watch tv shows. (too bad thats exactly what i've been doing.)

but don't worry, i have actually been able to do some fun stuff, like visit my friends in SoCal for a weekend!!!! it was my first, no parental supervision road-trip, and it was honestly the highlight of my summer. :)))))

 ( me and my croissant @Amoeba Music in Hollywood)

(a really accurate depiction of the noodleheadz themselves)

 (TEAM PEAX!!!!!! no really this was my favorite show by far)

(also some1 please return this stealing is not nice)

 (MAH BOIIIIZZZZZ!!!!!!)

 (a very cute and noice photo of us before much sweat and bruises)

(a sunset @ Huntington Beach)

 (a house literally straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog)

(on the way home, drive north hueheuehheuehrubw)

 #GRRLGANG 

ahhh, that weekend was filled with eating so much good food, blasting music and roasting the heck out of each other. it's what we're good at, i guess. it was really great to be with my pals again, but being in an unfamiliar place was even cooler!!! i've only ever been to Knotts and Disneyland, so it was cool to see where they live and what not. SoCal is not the place for me, however, the sun was out and shining and i was really missing the fog and cold. 

this trip only made me more excited for everyone to be back in SF (gross because school will start again) but at least they won't be 6 hours away and i can finally be with my weirdos again. see you guys very soon!!!!!!!! 

END OF AN ERA

if my friends and their blog posts weren't sappy enough, here i am, coming at y'all with a super lame and heartfelt post about my freshman year of college coming to an end.

well...yay!!! for finally being done with all of my finals, tests, speeches, and blah blah. college is definitely no joke and it surely kicked my ass, but I'm proud of myself for not giving up and managing some good grades for my first year!!! but, i'm not going to sit and ramble on about the essays and endless amounts of lecture notes that consumed my life these past few months. i'd actually like to talk a lil' about this wonderful group of people i've met and consider some of my best friends. if you're an OG follower and remember my tumblr version of this blog, i did a little ramble about how college changed me and how i feel much more comfortable in SF and blah blah; this is kind of where I'm going back to..i was soooo scared that i wasn't going to find any friends in college. it was a new setting, a new school, and a brand new challenge to take on. my childhood friends were all over the state, while some 2 hours away, back in vacaville. this first night in the dorms, i cried because i missed my parents already and my anxiety made me think i was going to be a huge loner and have this awful experience.

within like, a month, things quickly turned around. somehow, i managed to find this kick-ass group of gals. we are all so different, yet similar, in like 100 ways.

(not all of us are pictured, but it's still one of my faves)

they have introduced me to so many cool things!!!! there was so much that i did with them that i don't think i would have ever done if i were still at home in vacaville. i got my septum pierced,  i've gone to live shows and moshed my butt off, started thrifting way more, i started blogging again, and sooooo much more. not only that, but these gals have shown me a great deal of life lessons that i will keep in my mind for as long as i can. the amount of self confidence right now is all thanks to having such a supportive and wonderful group of people surrounding me. also, whenever I'm with them i know I'm going to be crying because they make me laugh SOOO hard, and usually over nothing!!!! (we all just think were that funny)

it's going to be so weird not waiting until 5pm to have dinner at shitty eats with them, plan little outings on the weekends, and spend every other waking moment in between with them. i mean shit, look at all of the fun we have together:

ahhhh, looking back on all of these photos makes me so happy!!! because these humans make me so happy!!!! i could go on and on about how each of these individuals have shown me something super special and how unique and amazing they are but i would be here for a couple of days. yeah, we butt heads on stuff and probably get annoyed of each other 90% of the time, but at the end of the day, i don't think i could have found a better group of friends. here's to more memories, more laughs, more tears, and more adventures to come. 'till the gang is together again (in june LMAO), peace out, goodnight. I LOVE U CHICAS!!!!!! 

xoxo, mal plum

BAD DAY?

man, you know when you have one of those days/weeks/weekends where life is literally taking a huge dump on you? it sucks. so bad. i mean, my life is still fine, but crappy things just kept happening to me this past weekend. is this karma? i know i forgot to floss that one day, but why punish me this bad?

first, i kept messing up at my new job. nothing major, it's just that new person stigma, where you're still learning how things work, so you kind of have to suck before you get better?? anyone? yeah. i mean, my coworkers are SUPER nice and SUPER helpful, but i still get that gut feeling where i think i'm being this huge nuisance. blah, guilt. blah, anxiety.

secondly, the ball of septum ring fell out. this is the second time for this to happen too!!!!! anyone with a septum piercing probably knows how annoying this is. especially because the ball itself is so damn tiny and is impossible to track down. and you can't just buy 1 separate ball for the jewelry, you have to buy the whole damn thing again.

AND finally. not gonna get too into detail, but someone compromised my debit card and drained my account. how annoying :(((( i mean, thank god i wasn't ballin' or anything, but still, it sucks!!!! like please, go find your own money!!!!

i know i was just in fell complaint-mode, but now im going to turn it over to the brighter side of things. instead of being a bum and moping around about my crappy weekend, im going to remember that i have a new day ahead of me where i can make the most of it. start over, and just relax.

here are some things i like to do when im having a shit day/week/weekend!!!

-listen to a playlist of happy songs!!! (here's a little compilation of my favorite "happy" songs that make me feel good and fuzzy.)



- try to bake/cook something!!! food is always an easy way out, but i don't mean to just hit up mcdonald's and stuff your face. find a recipe that will occupy your mind! even if you're not a pro, it's still fun to experience it.

- surround with those that put a smile on your face!! whether that be your family, friends, or partner!!

- make up some drawings, or start a collage. something like journaling can be really soothing and calm me down!!

- WRITE IT OUT!!! this is probably one of my favorite ways to rid myself of the bad day. whatever it might of been that caused a bad day, i find it's really healthy to just physically write it all out, almost like you're ranting to someone. (you can actually talk to someone about it, but sometimes i just need to complain rather than get some feedback from another person, ya know?)