"I hate literally everything about my appearance."
"Why do I have to be so insecure?"
"Why why why do I have to be so plain and ugly?"
can you believe that i used to think like this???!!! 15 year old mallory is shockingly different from almost 20 year old mallory and it gives me such a strange wave of feelings and emotions to look at my old journal entries and see shit like this!!!
in the last year or so, my self-esteem has really shot up and i wish i could back in time to tell 15 year old me to drop the pencil and shut up!!! (ok maybe a lil less aggressive)
but on a serious note, it's pretty hurtful to see that my mindset was so negative back then. i still remember those emotions/feelings i would feel whenever i had bad days, and really bad days. i remember being so dissatisfied when i looked in the mirror- even after all of the makeup i would put on and my curling my hair, i still hated what i saw. some days i would just deal with it and leave the house. other days i would scrub it all off and cry. i would cry and feel sorry for myself. it got so bad where i couldn't go out with my friends to the movies because i didn't like how my clothes fit that day. or i would decline going swimming at someone's house because i couldn't bear to be seen in a bikini. i remember going through a phase where i would not let my picture be taken- because while everyone would look so pretty and cute in the photo, i would be so quick to pick apart my own flaws. i wouldn't look at the photo as a happy memory, and focus on the smiles on everyone's faces. it would just feel like a reminder of why i hated being photographed in the first place.
most days i felt too fat, too plain, too ugly and not worthy. not worthy of self love and value. on the outside, i would tell my friends to stand tall and confident, while on the inside i was nothing but a scared little girl that couldn't even listen to my own words!!!! for the longest time i was comparing myself to every other girl in the universe- i would ask myself, "why can't i be skinny like her?" "why can't my skin look like that?" "why can't i pretty?" "why don't boys like me?" "why do i have to look like this?"
i've taken a few ethnic studies courses at my college, and we've discussed many topics- topics including growing up and how familial cultures differ from say, my own lifestyle. in some cultures, whiter skin is valued much more than someone who is dark/tan. in my Latino studies class, my professor mentioned a student that he had a couple of years ago. her family is Mexican, but her and her sister looked completely different from each other. she had a dark complexion, while her sister was able to pass as white. she explained that her parents expected her sister to find a good husband, someone good-looking and wealthy, and have kids. as for the other sister, she was told by her parents to study hard in school and find a good, stable job. her parents felt like she wouldnt be able to find a husband, so she needed to focus on her school and career instead.
not only is that painfully true for a lot of families, but it's also something that's interpreted similarly in a lot of other cultures. it's also so shitty!!! the people you think you can depend on and love you regardless can sometimes surprise you. parents will degrade you and not support you, and it ends up having such a huge impact on your self esteem. obviously, there's a lot more to this anecdote, but it sheds light upon an important point. self-confidence roots from loving yourself. you can't find this in depending on other people for it. by that, i mean that you shouldn't try to learn to accept yourself in other people, it starts within you!! if someone is tearing you down and making you feel like shit, the self deprecation will only last longer. cut out the shitty people and start on a path of valuing yourself and being comfortable with who you are. i know this sounds like some cliche crap, but it's the only way i think i can word it. surround yourself with beautiful people. people with beautiful hearts and that don't find their boost of self esteem in tearing others down. people that support you and love you for who you are, and are there for you when you're feeling weak.
i am not perfect, and there are still things i can work on as a person. i could probably exercise and not eat out so often (that's more in a sense of i need to be HEALTHY, and also save my damn money) but i have come a far way since i was 15! i like that i'm pale and freckled. i like the body i was i born with. i like that i am me, and that im special in my own way. i like the friends who love me and support me. i like that i am no longer crying in the mornings when i get ready and that i don't skip out on having fun with my friends. i am unique, i am beautiful, and i am worthy!!!!!!!
~and you are too~
